Binges, Exhaustion, and False Happiness

So after nearly an entire week of a constant cycle of drinking/sleeping, yesterday was a day of sobriety. Which meant a day of peace in the overwhelming life of being married to an alcoholic. Ironically, today has not been a sober day, but has been at least slightly peaceful.

What happened today is typical of the days when he drinks. He comes up with a reason why he needs his debit card (i.e. he's out of cigarettes and needs more right now, needs gas in the car, etc). Today, of all days, I figured I was safe, because you can't buy alcohol on Sundays here, and he typically isn't a "drink at the bar" person. A half hour after he left to go get cigarettes I decided I should go outside and track him down.. Looked in the garage, but nobody was there. The car was in the driveway. Then I noticed the tracks in the snow, through the yard, through the neighbor's yard, and out to the next street over. Then it dawned on me - he walked to the bar. The upside is that he's been gone now for almost five hours, so it has at least been peaceful in the house. The downside is that who knows what kind of shape he will be in when he gets home.

I feel bad for thinking this, but I do think that at least he has to walk home in the freezing cold and snow when he does decide to come home. Right now, the wind chill is -2, and he still isn't here. It probably is a half mile from our house to the bar in town, but that's a long walk in the freezing cold.

I feel so many things, and I think that the vast range of emotions I feel are part of the problem in me just walking out the door. I do care about him in some respects - I really don't know if I love him at all at this point. I feel betrayed, hurt, brokenhearted, and frustrated, just to name a few emotions. I don't know if the love I used to feel for him is negated by all of the negative emotions he has created. The lies, the sneaking around, the constant neglect of his kids.. it's all just too much for any one person to have to deal with.

One one hand I almost feel sad for him - that this is his life. He can't keep a job for more than a few months at a time anymore because it isn't long after he starts that he is showing up late or calling in because of the consequences of his drinking. He is creating health issues for himself down the line. But on the other hand, I'm angry. He makes all of these choices, good or bad, and me and our kids are the ones who have to live with whatever consequences result from them. He has no problem getting behind the wheel of the car, and driving 20, 30, or 40 miles to buy alcohol, even on a suspended license.. And at times, after he has already been drinking. Who suffers more when he gets arrested? Or if he gets into an accident?

Saying Sorry..

Here's something that has been driving me crazy for, oh, six years.. "I'm sorry". Here's the thing - if you're really and truly sorry for something you have done, shouldn't you also make it a point to correct the hurtful/unwanted behavior? It drives me absolutely insane that addicts find it completely acceptable to wake up from their drunken stupor, act sympathetic, say "I'm sorry", and then turn around and do exactly what they were sorry for all over again. Things I will never, ever understand about the mind of an addict. 

I stayed up last night after Bubba fell asleep to do some reading in my Bible.. It seems to be the only place I consistently go when I just can't understand what is going on around me. If nothing else, it does give me comfort to spend that time with God. Here are some of my favorite verses from last night.

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge in the flesh, rather serve one another humbly in love"  - Galatians 5:13

"Whoever sows to please their flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life"  - Galatians 6:8

"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires"   - Romans 8:5

"The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the ind governed by the Spirit is life and peace"   - Romans 8:6

"The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so"   - Romans 8:7

"Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God"   - Romans 8:8


"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works so that no one can boast"   -Ephesians 2:8

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"  - Ephesians 4:25

Goodbye 2013..

Goodbye and good riddance, 2013. The only high point of last year was the birth of my beautiful baby boy, so I suppose it wasn't ALL bad. It was, however, a challenge. More than ever, I felt my faith (and at times my sanity) being tested at every turn. Being married to an alcoholic tends to create challenges where normally there aren't any, such as with splitting up chores to help get the house picked up, or taking a fussy baby so the other person can get a break. To me, those are normal parenting/marital duties that are supposed to be shared between two people. But when an alcoholic enters the equation, it leaves one person struggling to manage alone. That's how I will remember the better part of 2013 - struggling alone. I love my children, but any parent knows that two young children are a challenge. My oldest daughter is 5, and my son was born in March. And they are both full of energy! So to basically be the only parent as well as doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc., was a very lonely thing for me. 

I did choose to get more involved in church in 2013, which was a major blessing. I know it sounds silly to drive 90 miles for church, but I have never felt like I truly belong until The Journey. I'm so glad that my parents introduced me to the church, because there were times where it was the one thing I had to look forward to during the week. Pastor Laury has spent more than one Sunday preaching messages that really speak to my heart. I needed it, and am so glad that I found it. So I am truly thankful for that.

Otherwise, I feel like the year was a series of ups and downs, based on the whims of an alcoholic. Jobs came and went, opportunities were wasted, and family time fell by the wayside. What never changed was the alcohol. If it was sunny, he would drink.. If it was rainy he'd drink.. If we had money, he'd drink.. If we were broke, he'd drink.. If he was working, he'd drink.. If he was unemployed, he'd drink.. That's the nature of addiction, ironically. It is the one constant in the life of the addicted.

2013 saw yet another failed attempt at recovery and sobriety. A brief stay at the St. Vincent Stress Center to undergo detoxification resulted in a very short 30 day period of sobriety and AA meetings. Once that wore off, it all went right back to the way it has always been. Drinking, calling in to work, sleeping, and of course the drunken stupor that always follows the drinking. When they say it's a vicious cycle, they aren't kidding. It's almost as predictable as the sunrise. 

Hand in hand with the drinking also came the lies.. Lie after lie after lie. Most of the time they came when I already knew the truth, which made it that much more hurtful to hear. Then the manipulated conversations, in which no matter what I say I'm not ever really heard. The yelling, the arguments, the hurt, and the loneliness that followed got worse almost every single time. Until here I am, welcoming 2014, bidding goodbye to 2013, and uncertain what exactly I am hoping for in this new year. 

I've secretly hoped that one day I would find that he had cheated on me, and then I would be completely justified in giving up. I know that sounds selfish of me, but the years and years of hurt and lies I'm pinned under are suffocating me. I'm exhausted from carrying a marriage and these children on my back for all these years without a supportive and loving partner beside me.

The hardest part of it all is that all I really ever wanted was to share my life with someone who loved, appreciated, and respected me. I never cared about marrying someone who had lots of money, or a big fancy job title. I just wanted a partner. And instead I feel like I'm a babysitter or a maid.. There isn't much of an emotional bond left at this point - the alcohol has slowly burned through every fiber of love like acid. Burning away at any connection that we have had. Six years, two children.. You'd think that that would be worth fighting for, but he has never fought for us. He's fought me for the alcohol, though.. More times than I can count. So what does that say about where we rank on his priority list? 

A lot of people don't really get the extent of the emotional trauma that addicts inflict on people who love them. But I feel like I've aged 15 years in the last six just from the hurt/pain/frustration/stress of dealing with the alcoholism and the alcoholic. I literally wake up every day with anxiety, thinking about what will happen that day. Will he find a way to get beer? Will he stay sober? Will he go to work? Will he actually make it to AA? Sometimes I have myself wound so tight worrying about him that I can't even focus on anything else.

Addicts are tricky. They are sneaky. They manipulate everything they put their hands on. If you hold onto their debit card and cash so they can't buy alcohol, they'll just find another way. They always do, because that's their priority. I used to think that Sundays were safe, because where we live you can't buy alcohol on Sundays.. Until the first time he was willing to drive 40 miles across the border to the neighboring state to buy beer. 

So to sum this big, long post up. I am thankful to 2013 for my sweet angel baby, who I affectionately refer to as "Bubba", and a much needed church family. And I am always thankful for my 5 year old little mommy, who is my big helper. Aside from that, I am ready to bid a not-so-fond farewell to 2013, and have a fresh start in 2014. And one of my new goals is to maintain this blog, not necessarily to share with others (although that would be great), but to allow myself a place to decompress, vent, and let some of the thoughts/ideas/opinions/hurt escape. Therapeutic writing, I guess you'd call it. We'll see how I do with that. :)