So after nearly an entire week of a constant cycle of drinking/sleeping, yesterday was a day of sobriety. Which meant a day of peace in the overwhelming life of being married to an alcoholic. Ironically, today has not been a sober day, but has been at least slightly peaceful.
What happened today is typical of the days when he drinks. He comes up with a reason why he needs his debit card (i.e. he's out of cigarettes and needs more right now, needs gas in the car, etc). Today, of all days, I figured I was safe, because you can't buy alcohol on Sundays here, and he typically isn't a "drink at the bar" person. A half hour after he left to go get cigarettes I decided I should go outside and track him down.. Looked in the garage, but nobody was there. The car was in the driveway. Then I noticed the tracks in the snow, through the yard, through the neighbor's yard, and out to the next street over. Then it dawned on me - he walked to the bar. The upside is that he's been gone now for almost five hours, so it has at least been peaceful in the house. The downside is that who knows what kind of shape he will be in when he gets home.
I feel bad for thinking this, but I do think that at least he has to walk home in the freezing cold and snow when he does decide to come home. Right now, the wind chill is -2, and he still isn't here. It probably is a half mile from our house to the bar in town, but that's a long walk in the freezing cold.
I feel so many things, and I think that the vast range of emotions I feel are part of the problem in me just walking out the door. I do care about him in some respects - I really don't know if I love him at all at this point. I feel betrayed, hurt, brokenhearted, and frustrated, just to name a few emotions. I don't know if the love I used to feel for him is negated by all of the negative emotions he has created. The lies, the sneaking around, the constant neglect of his kids.. it's all just too much for any one person to have to deal with.
One one hand I almost feel sad for him - that this is his life. He can't keep a job for more than a few months at a time anymore because it isn't long after he starts that he is showing up late or calling in because of the consequences of his drinking. He is creating health issues for himself down the line. But on the other hand, I'm angry. He makes all of these choices, good or bad, and me and our kids are the ones who have to live with whatever consequences result from them. He has no problem getting behind the wheel of the car, and driving 20, 30, or 40 miles to buy alcohol, even on a suspended license.. And at times, after he has already been drinking. Who suffers more when he gets arrested? Or if he gets into an accident?
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