Tonight was the first night I talked to my husband since he got arrested on February 27th. The judge placed a "no contact" order in the case, so he wasn't allowed to write to/call me until I chose to have it lifted. I knew if I let him contact me right after it all happened it would just be a huge argument and he'd blame me for everything, as the alcoholic in him would be raging, looking for a way to get out of there and get more to drink. So I let him go through his hangover and withdrawals for a little while before I allowed the "no contact" to be lifted.
This afternoon, I loaded up the kids, went to the post office, got a money order for his commissary account, and headed over to the jail. I always hate taking the kids inside, even though we only go as far as the reception desk. Maybe that's the goody-two-shoes in me, but I just feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed! Anyway, I did get the order lifted, so he was able to buy a phone card and call me tonight. The conversation was only ten minutes, so it wasn't like we were able to really have a very in-depth conversation about anything that has happened. He said he was sorry for everything and that he feels really bad about it all. For now, I suppose, that is a start.
He still has a lot of questions to answer, though. My daughter and I both wrote to him to tell him what was on our hearts this morning, and we put our letters in the mail this afternoon before we went to lift the "no contact" order. I love the simplicity of my daughter's mind.. Her letter read, "Dear Dad, I love you but you must stop drinking. When you drink it makes me feel mad because you are not paying attention to what God says. Love, Emily". How straight and to the point is that?! My letter was actually a series of two letters, and a total of five pages, front and back, handwritten. And I still don't feel like I have gotten everything off of my chest!
I spent some time reading my Bible tonight in between the kids and cleaning, which helped give me a little bit of peace... My little guy is turning one soon, and his birthday party is on Saturday. So it has been kinda chaotic trying to get the house clean and plan out food for the party. Thankfully he went to sleep at a decent time, so I just stayed up and tried to get some work done. Lots more to do, and then have to cross my fingers it all stays neat until the party! :)
It's going to be really weird having a birthday party for one of the kids without the hubby.. I'm sure it will make for some awkward discussions from family, as well.. His mom already told me that she doesn't want her side to know that he is in jail for hitting me. It wasn't as if I was planning on shouting it from the rooftops anyway.. The only ones who know anything are our parents, and siblings. It isn't as if I'm all that thrilled about what has happened that I want to share it with anyone. My statement on him not being there is just going to be simply we are going through some hard times right now and he isn't coming. If anyone presses me on it, they're obviously too nosy and I will just repeat myself until they get the hint. lol.
I just have so much going on in my mind. I think that short ten minute call only left me with more questions than answers. I added prepaid time to my cell phone, so he will be able to call me now and we will get a better rate, which will hopefully mean more talk time. There's a lot that has to be discussed...
Alright, I need to turn my brain off and get some rest. Tomorrow I have to clean the other half of the bathroom, plus my room and my daughter's room. Wish me luck! :)
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
One Week..
It has been one week since my husband was arrested.. I have had zero contact with him, with the exception of a couple of text messages I received from the wife of someone he met in jail, asking for bail and commissary money. My feelings about him being in jail keep changing, but I mostly feel so much anxiety and worry. Worried that he is going to hate me, worried that this won't be the "rock bottom" he needs to hit in order to really make any change, worried that I'm not doing the right thing by letting him sit in jail, anxious about whether or not I should lift the "no contact" order...
Sunday, March 2, 2014
It's Been Awhile..
It's been awhile since I've actually sat down and written a post.. Unfortunately, that's not a sign of any change, it's just a sign of drama and craziness.. The drinking from my husband was pretty constant since my last post.. He'd be sober for a day or maybe two, but then go right back to drinking.. What baffles me is that he would go through some of the withdrawals in those couple of sober days, and then have to start all over again.. I don't think he went longer than two days without any alcohol.
Then, last Thursday things went from bad to worse.. Wednesday night he drank quite a bit, and couldn't get himself up to go to work on Thursday morning. I hate when he does that, because it is pretty clear proof that he doesn't really care about anyone outside of himself. He didn't get off the couch until after noon, and then as usual, made every promise he could think of to try and make me not be mad at him. He even promised our five year old he wouldn't drink any more. And a few hours later, he was drinking again. And that's when everything went downhill..
I don't know how much he had to drink. He claimed that he found the unopened beers that I had thrown in the outside garbage from the night before. But there were only 3 or 4 of them, and he ended up getting very drunk - way more drunk that 4 beers would have made him. So at about 9 p.m., he started in with asking me to give him money so he could go get more beer, or asking me to go to the store and buy him more. I'd had enough at this point and told him "no".
Then he went into our daughter's bedroom, into her hiding spot for her money, and I caught him taking her money. So I took the money from him, and all the money out of her hiding spot and put it in my pocket. I was so furious that he could do that, and upon counting how much was left I know now that that's how he has been financing his beer this last week or so, because there was money missing. So this made me even more adamant that he was not going to get any more beer.
So of course, he gets angry because I'm putting my foot down and telling him "no". He isn't as used to not getting his way and he probably should be, but I had just had enough. I told him to go to bed, and that I wasn't buying him beer, or giving him money to get more beer. So I go in the kitchen to heat up some leftover tacos before I start on some homework for a class I'm taking online. Our daughter sits at the breakfast bar, watching us. The argument continues, and he keeps asking for money or beer and I keep refusing him. I get my tacos made, and on a plate, and for some reason his anger bubbled over. He grabbed the plate and flipped it in the air, sending tacos EVERYWHERE. There was taco toppings stuck to my upper cabinets, dishwasher, wall, ceiling, and floor. This really made me mad, but I knew what kind of crazy I was dealing with in his drunkenness, so I just turned around to walk away from it. And as I walked away, he hit me - he basically smacked me with his open hand, across the upper left side of my back. My daughter flipped out and started yelling at him for smacking her mom.. It stung like crazy, and I went into the bathroom to see the damage. It was all bright red and sore. So I made the decision to call the cops.
One officer responded, and of course, my husband had to run his mouth to them. He's just such a jerk when he is drunk, and he thinks he is Mr. Tough Guy. He kept challenging the cop, disrespecting the cop, and not answering the cop's questions. This ended with my husband pinned to the floor, getting handcuffed while yelling expletives at the officer. I was informed that there is a mandatory 72 hour hold for domestic cases, so he would be in jail at least that long.
I'm feeling a little torn.. I feel a little bit guilty for what happened, because he actually had a temp job that could have gone permanent, and I know that is no longer going to be an option for the time he missed and will miss because of this. I hate that this is what it all has come down to. But, even though he didn't hit me that hard, or he didn't leave any bruises, I still feel like I did what I had to do. This is what alcoholics do - they take all of the choice out of your life. He left me no choice when he smacked me in front of our daughter. To take no action would be, in a nutshell, telling her that it's okay for him to do what he did. And it's not. There has to be a line somewhere, and there has to be consequences when he crosses it. I put up with enough just from the verbal garbage he spews when he drinks... There is no way I should have to put up with anything physical. Period.
So that's where I am today.. Conflicted.. And still trying to process what has happened and where to go from this point..
Then, last Thursday things went from bad to worse.. Wednesday night he drank quite a bit, and couldn't get himself up to go to work on Thursday morning. I hate when he does that, because it is pretty clear proof that he doesn't really care about anyone outside of himself. He didn't get off the couch until after noon, and then as usual, made every promise he could think of to try and make me not be mad at him. He even promised our five year old he wouldn't drink any more. And a few hours later, he was drinking again. And that's when everything went downhill..
I don't know how much he had to drink. He claimed that he found the unopened beers that I had thrown in the outside garbage from the night before. But there were only 3 or 4 of them, and he ended up getting very drunk - way more drunk that 4 beers would have made him. So at about 9 p.m., he started in with asking me to give him money so he could go get more beer, or asking me to go to the store and buy him more. I'd had enough at this point and told him "no".
Then he went into our daughter's bedroom, into her hiding spot for her money, and I caught him taking her money. So I took the money from him, and all the money out of her hiding spot and put it in my pocket. I was so furious that he could do that, and upon counting how much was left I know now that that's how he has been financing his beer this last week or so, because there was money missing. So this made me even more adamant that he was not going to get any more beer.
So of course, he gets angry because I'm putting my foot down and telling him "no". He isn't as used to not getting his way and he probably should be, but I had just had enough. I told him to go to bed, and that I wasn't buying him beer, or giving him money to get more beer. So I go in the kitchen to heat up some leftover tacos before I start on some homework for a class I'm taking online. Our daughter sits at the breakfast bar, watching us. The argument continues, and he keeps asking for money or beer and I keep refusing him. I get my tacos made, and on a plate, and for some reason his anger bubbled over. He grabbed the plate and flipped it in the air, sending tacos EVERYWHERE. There was taco toppings stuck to my upper cabinets, dishwasher, wall, ceiling, and floor. This really made me mad, but I knew what kind of crazy I was dealing with in his drunkenness, so I just turned around to walk away from it. And as I walked away, he hit me - he basically smacked me with his open hand, across the upper left side of my back. My daughter flipped out and started yelling at him for smacking her mom.. It stung like crazy, and I went into the bathroom to see the damage. It was all bright red and sore. So I made the decision to call the cops.
One officer responded, and of course, my husband had to run his mouth to them. He's just such a jerk when he is drunk, and he thinks he is Mr. Tough Guy. He kept challenging the cop, disrespecting the cop, and not answering the cop's questions. This ended with my husband pinned to the floor, getting handcuffed while yelling expletives at the officer. I was informed that there is a mandatory 72 hour hold for domestic cases, so he would be in jail at least that long.
I'm feeling a little torn.. I feel a little bit guilty for what happened, because he actually had a temp job that could have gone permanent, and I know that is no longer going to be an option for the time he missed and will miss because of this. I hate that this is what it all has come down to. But, even though he didn't hit me that hard, or he didn't leave any bruises, I still feel like I did what I had to do. This is what alcoholics do - they take all of the choice out of your life. He left me no choice when he smacked me in front of our daughter. To take no action would be, in a nutshell, telling her that it's okay for him to do what he did. And it's not. There has to be a line somewhere, and there has to be consequences when he crosses it. I put up with enough just from the verbal garbage he spews when he drinks... There is no way I should have to put up with anything physical. Period.
So that's where I am today.. Conflicted.. And still trying to process what has happened and where to go from this point..
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