Tonight was the first night I talked to my husband since he got arrested on February 27th. The judge placed a "no contact" order in the case, so he wasn't allowed to write to/call me until I chose to have it lifted. I knew if I let him contact me right after it all happened it would just be a huge argument and he'd blame me for everything, as the alcoholic in him would be raging, looking for a way to get out of there and get more to drink. So I let him go through his hangover and withdrawals for a little while before I allowed the "no contact" to be lifted.
This afternoon, I loaded up the kids, went to the post office, got a money order for his commissary account, and headed over to the jail. I always hate taking the kids inside, even though we only go as far as the reception desk. Maybe that's the goody-two-shoes in me, but I just feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed! Anyway, I did get the order lifted, so he was able to buy a phone card and call me tonight. The conversation was only ten minutes, so it wasn't like we were able to really have a very in-depth conversation about anything that has happened. He said he was sorry for everything and that he feels really bad about it all. For now, I suppose, that is a start.
He still has a lot of questions to answer, though. My daughter and I both wrote to him to tell him what was on our hearts this morning, and we put our letters in the mail this afternoon before we went to lift the "no contact" order. I love the simplicity of my daughter's mind.. Her letter read, "Dear Dad, I love you but you must stop drinking. When you drink it makes me feel mad because you are not paying attention to what God says. Love, Emily". How straight and to the point is that?! My letter was actually a series of two letters, and a total of five pages, front and back, handwritten. And I still don't feel like I have gotten everything off of my chest!
I spent some time reading my Bible tonight in between the kids and cleaning, which helped give me a little bit of peace... My little guy is turning one soon, and his birthday party is on Saturday. So it has been kinda chaotic trying to get the house clean and plan out food for the party. Thankfully he went to sleep at a decent time, so I just stayed up and tried to get some work done. Lots more to do, and then have to cross my fingers it all stays neat until the party! :)
It's going to be really weird having a birthday party for one of the kids without the hubby.. I'm sure it will make for some awkward discussions from family, as well.. His mom already told me that she doesn't want her side to know that he is in jail for hitting me. It wasn't as if I was planning on shouting it from the rooftops anyway.. The only ones who know anything are our parents, and siblings. It isn't as if I'm all that thrilled about what has happened that I want to share it with anyone. My statement on him not being there is just going to be simply we are going through some hard times right now and he isn't coming. If anyone presses me on it, they're obviously too nosy and I will just repeat myself until they get the hint. lol.
I just have so much going on in my mind. I think that short ten minute call only left me with more questions than answers. I added prepaid time to my cell phone, so he will be able to call me now and we will get a better rate, which will hopefully mean more talk time. There's a lot that has to be discussed...
Alright, I need to turn my brain off and get some rest. Tomorrow I have to clean the other half of the bathroom, plus my room and my daughter's room. Wish me luck! :)
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