Tonight was the first night I talked to my husband since he got arrested on February 27th. The judge placed a "no contact" order in the case, so he wasn't allowed to write to/call me until I chose to have it lifted. I knew if I let him contact me right after it all happened it would just be a huge argument and he'd blame me for everything, as the alcoholic in him would be raging, looking for a way to get out of there and get more to drink. So I let him go through his hangover and withdrawals for a little while before I allowed the "no contact" to be lifted.
This afternoon, I loaded up the kids, went to the post office, got a money order for his commissary account, and headed over to the jail. I always hate taking the kids inside, even though we only go as far as the reception desk. Maybe that's the goody-two-shoes in me, but I just feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed! Anyway, I did get the order lifted, so he was able to buy a phone card and call me tonight. The conversation was only ten minutes, so it wasn't like we were able to really have a very in-depth conversation about anything that has happened. He said he was sorry for everything and that he feels really bad about it all. For now, I suppose, that is a start.
He still has a lot of questions to answer, though. My daughter and I both wrote to him to tell him what was on our hearts this morning, and we put our letters in the mail this afternoon before we went to lift the "no contact" order. I love the simplicity of my daughter's mind.. Her letter read, "Dear Dad, I love you but you must stop drinking. When you drink it makes me feel mad because you are not paying attention to what God says. Love, Emily". How straight and to the point is that?! My letter was actually a series of two letters, and a total of five pages, front and back, handwritten. And I still don't feel like I have gotten everything off of my chest!
I spent some time reading my Bible tonight in between the kids and cleaning, which helped give me a little bit of peace... My little guy is turning one soon, and his birthday party is on Saturday. So it has been kinda chaotic trying to get the house clean and plan out food for the party. Thankfully he went to sleep at a decent time, so I just stayed up and tried to get some work done. Lots more to do, and then have to cross my fingers it all stays neat until the party! :)
It's going to be really weird having a birthday party for one of the kids without the hubby.. I'm sure it will make for some awkward discussions from family, as well.. His mom already told me that she doesn't want her side to know that he is in jail for hitting me. It wasn't as if I was planning on shouting it from the rooftops anyway.. The only ones who know anything are our parents, and siblings. It isn't as if I'm all that thrilled about what has happened that I want to share it with anyone. My statement on him not being there is just going to be simply we are going through some hard times right now and he isn't coming. If anyone presses me on it, they're obviously too nosy and I will just repeat myself until they get the hint. lol.
I just have so much going on in my mind. I think that short ten minute call only left me with more questions than answers. I added prepaid time to my cell phone, so he will be able to call me now and we will get a better rate, which will hopefully mean more talk time. There's a lot that has to be discussed...
Alright, I need to turn my brain off and get some rest. Tomorrow I have to clean the other half of the bathroom, plus my room and my daughter's room. Wish me luck! :)
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
One Week..
It has been one week since my husband was arrested.. I have had zero contact with him, with the exception of a couple of text messages I received from the wife of someone he met in jail, asking for bail and commissary money. My feelings about him being in jail keep changing, but I mostly feel so much anxiety and worry. Worried that he is going to hate me, worried that this won't be the "rock bottom" he needs to hit in order to really make any change, worried that I'm not doing the right thing by letting him sit in jail, anxious about whether or not I should lift the "no contact" order...
Sunday, March 2, 2014
It's Been Awhile..
It's been awhile since I've actually sat down and written a post.. Unfortunately, that's not a sign of any change, it's just a sign of drama and craziness.. The drinking from my husband was pretty constant since my last post.. He'd be sober for a day or maybe two, but then go right back to drinking.. What baffles me is that he would go through some of the withdrawals in those couple of sober days, and then have to start all over again.. I don't think he went longer than two days without any alcohol.
Then, last Thursday things went from bad to worse.. Wednesday night he drank quite a bit, and couldn't get himself up to go to work on Thursday morning. I hate when he does that, because it is pretty clear proof that he doesn't really care about anyone outside of himself. He didn't get off the couch until after noon, and then as usual, made every promise he could think of to try and make me not be mad at him. He even promised our five year old he wouldn't drink any more. And a few hours later, he was drinking again. And that's when everything went downhill..
I don't know how much he had to drink. He claimed that he found the unopened beers that I had thrown in the outside garbage from the night before. But there were only 3 or 4 of them, and he ended up getting very drunk - way more drunk that 4 beers would have made him. So at about 9 p.m., he started in with asking me to give him money so he could go get more beer, or asking me to go to the store and buy him more. I'd had enough at this point and told him "no".
Then he went into our daughter's bedroom, into her hiding spot for her money, and I caught him taking her money. So I took the money from him, and all the money out of her hiding spot and put it in my pocket. I was so furious that he could do that, and upon counting how much was left I know now that that's how he has been financing his beer this last week or so, because there was money missing. So this made me even more adamant that he was not going to get any more beer.
So of course, he gets angry because I'm putting my foot down and telling him "no". He isn't as used to not getting his way and he probably should be, but I had just had enough. I told him to go to bed, and that I wasn't buying him beer, or giving him money to get more beer. So I go in the kitchen to heat up some leftover tacos before I start on some homework for a class I'm taking online. Our daughter sits at the breakfast bar, watching us. The argument continues, and he keeps asking for money or beer and I keep refusing him. I get my tacos made, and on a plate, and for some reason his anger bubbled over. He grabbed the plate and flipped it in the air, sending tacos EVERYWHERE. There was taco toppings stuck to my upper cabinets, dishwasher, wall, ceiling, and floor. This really made me mad, but I knew what kind of crazy I was dealing with in his drunkenness, so I just turned around to walk away from it. And as I walked away, he hit me - he basically smacked me with his open hand, across the upper left side of my back. My daughter flipped out and started yelling at him for smacking her mom.. It stung like crazy, and I went into the bathroom to see the damage. It was all bright red and sore. So I made the decision to call the cops.
One officer responded, and of course, my husband had to run his mouth to them. He's just such a jerk when he is drunk, and he thinks he is Mr. Tough Guy. He kept challenging the cop, disrespecting the cop, and not answering the cop's questions. This ended with my husband pinned to the floor, getting handcuffed while yelling expletives at the officer. I was informed that there is a mandatory 72 hour hold for domestic cases, so he would be in jail at least that long.
I'm feeling a little torn.. I feel a little bit guilty for what happened, because he actually had a temp job that could have gone permanent, and I know that is no longer going to be an option for the time he missed and will miss because of this. I hate that this is what it all has come down to. But, even though he didn't hit me that hard, or he didn't leave any bruises, I still feel like I did what I had to do. This is what alcoholics do - they take all of the choice out of your life. He left me no choice when he smacked me in front of our daughter. To take no action would be, in a nutshell, telling her that it's okay for him to do what he did. And it's not. There has to be a line somewhere, and there has to be consequences when he crosses it. I put up with enough just from the verbal garbage he spews when he drinks... There is no way I should have to put up with anything physical. Period.
So that's where I am today.. Conflicted.. And still trying to process what has happened and where to go from this point..
Then, last Thursday things went from bad to worse.. Wednesday night he drank quite a bit, and couldn't get himself up to go to work on Thursday morning. I hate when he does that, because it is pretty clear proof that he doesn't really care about anyone outside of himself. He didn't get off the couch until after noon, and then as usual, made every promise he could think of to try and make me not be mad at him. He even promised our five year old he wouldn't drink any more. And a few hours later, he was drinking again. And that's when everything went downhill..
I don't know how much he had to drink. He claimed that he found the unopened beers that I had thrown in the outside garbage from the night before. But there were only 3 or 4 of them, and he ended up getting very drunk - way more drunk that 4 beers would have made him. So at about 9 p.m., he started in with asking me to give him money so he could go get more beer, or asking me to go to the store and buy him more. I'd had enough at this point and told him "no".
Then he went into our daughter's bedroom, into her hiding spot for her money, and I caught him taking her money. So I took the money from him, and all the money out of her hiding spot and put it in my pocket. I was so furious that he could do that, and upon counting how much was left I know now that that's how he has been financing his beer this last week or so, because there was money missing. So this made me even more adamant that he was not going to get any more beer.
So of course, he gets angry because I'm putting my foot down and telling him "no". He isn't as used to not getting his way and he probably should be, but I had just had enough. I told him to go to bed, and that I wasn't buying him beer, or giving him money to get more beer. So I go in the kitchen to heat up some leftover tacos before I start on some homework for a class I'm taking online. Our daughter sits at the breakfast bar, watching us. The argument continues, and he keeps asking for money or beer and I keep refusing him. I get my tacos made, and on a plate, and for some reason his anger bubbled over. He grabbed the plate and flipped it in the air, sending tacos EVERYWHERE. There was taco toppings stuck to my upper cabinets, dishwasher, wall, ceiling, and floor. This really made me mad, but I knew what kind of crazy I was dealing with in his drunkenness, so I just turned around to walk away from it. And as I walked away, he hit me - he basically smacked me with his open hand, across the upper left side of my back. My daughter flipped out and started yelling at him for smacking her mom.. It stung like crazy, and I went into the bathroom to see the damage. It was all bright red and sore. So I made the decision to call the cops.
One officer responded, and of course, my husband had to run his mouth to them. He's just such a jerk when he is drunk, and he thinks he is Mr. Tough Guy. He kept challenging the cop, disrespecting the cop, and not answering the cop's questions. This ended with my husband pinned to the floor, getting handcuffed while yelling expletives at the officer. I was informed that there is a mandatory 72 hour hold for domestic cases, so he would be in jail at least that long.
I'm feeling a little torn.. I feel a little bit guilty for what happened, because he actually had a temp job that could have gone permanent, and I know that is no longer going to be an option for the time he missed and will miss because of this. I hate that this is what it all has come down to. But, even though he didn't hit me that hard, or he didn't leave any bruises, I still feel like I did what I had to do. This is what alcoholics do - they take all of the choice out of your life. He left me no choice when he smacked me in front of our daughter. To take no action would be, in a nutshell, telling her that it's okay for him to do what he did. And it's not. There has to be a line somewhere, and there has to be consequences when he crosses it. I put up with enough just from the verbal garbage he spews when he drinks... There is no way I should have to put up with anything physical. Period.
So that's where I am today.. Conflicted.. And still trying to process what has happened and where to go from this point..
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Binges, Exhaustion, and False Happiness
So after nearly an entire week of a constant cycle of drinking/sleeping, yesterday was a day of sobriety. Which meant a day of peace in the overwhelming life of being married to an alcoholic. Ironically, today has not been a sober day, but has been at least slightly peaceful.
What happened today is typical of the days when he drinks. He comes up with a reason why he needs his debit card (i.e. he's out of cigarettes and needs more right now, needs gas in the car, etc). Today, of all days, I figured I was safe, because you can't buy alcohol on Sundays here, and he typically isn't a "drink at the bar" person. A half hour after he left to go get cigarettes I decided I should go outside and track him down.. Looked in the garage, but nobody was there. The car was in the driveway. Then I noticed the tracks in the snow, through the yard, through the neighbor's yard, and out to the next street over. Then it dawned on me - he walked to the bar. The upside is that he's been gone now for almost five hours, so it has at least been peaceful in the house. The downside is that who knows what kind of shape he will be in when he gets home.
I feel bad for thinking this, but I do think that at least he has to walk home in the freezing cold and snow when he does decide to come home. Right now, the wind chill is -2, and he still isn't here. It probably is a half mile from our house to the bar in town, but that's a long walk in the freezing cold.
I feel so many things, and I think that the vast range of emotions I feel are part of the problem in me just walking out the door. I do care about him in some respects - I really don't know if I love him at all at this point. I feel betrayed, hurt, brokenhearted, and frustrated, just to name a few emotions. I don't know if the love I used to feel for him is negated by all of the negative emotions he has created. The lies, the sneaking around, the constant neglect of his kids.. it's all just too much for any one person to have to deal with.
One one hand I almost feel sad for him - that this is his life. He can't keep a job for more than a few months at a time anymore because it isn't long after he starts that he is showing up late or calling in because of the consequences of his drinking. He is creating health issues for himself down the line. But on the other hand, I'm angry. He makes all of these choices, good or bad, and me and our kids are the ones who have to live with whatever consequences result from them. He has no problem getting behind the wheel of the car, and driving 20, 30, or 40 miles to buy alcohol, even on a suspended license.. And at times, after he has already been drinking. Who suffers more when he gets arrested? Or if he gets into an accident?
What happened today is typical of the days when he drinks. He comes up with a reason why he needs his debit card (i.e. he's out of cigarettes and needs more right now, needs gas in the car, etc). Today, of all days, I figured I was safe, because you can't buy alcohol on Sundays here, and he typically isn't a "drink at the bar" person. A half hour after he left to go get cigarettes I decided I should go outside and track him down.. Looked in the garage, but nobody was there. The car was in the driveway. Then I noticed the tracks in the snow, through the yard, through the neighbor's yard, and out to the next street over. Then it dawned on me - he walked to the bar. The upside is that he's been gone now for almost five hours, so it has at least been peaceful in the house. The downside is that who knows what kind of shape he will be in when he gets home.
I feel bad for thinking this, but I do think that at least he has to walk home in the freezing cold and snow when he does decide to come home. Right now, the wind chill is -2, and he still isn't here. It probably is a half mile from our house to the bar in town, but that's a long walk in the freezing cold.
I feel so many things, and I think that the vast range of emotions I feel are part of the problem in me just walking out the door. I do care about him in some respects - I really don't know if I love him at all at this point. I feel betrayed, hurt, brokenhearted, and frustrated, just to name a few emotions. I don't know if the love I used to feel for him is negated by all of the negative emotions he has created. The lies, the sneaking around, the constant neglect of his kids.. it's all just too much for any one person to have to deal with.
One one hand I almost feel sad for him - that this is his life. He can't keep a job for more than a few months at a time anymore because it isn't long after he starts that he is showing up late or calling in because of the consequences of his drinking. He is creating health issues for himself down the line. But on the other hand, I'm angry. He makes all of these choices, good or bad, and me and our kids are the ones who have to live with whatever consequences result from them. He has no problem getting behind the wheel of the car, and driving 20, 30, or 40 miles to buy alcohol, even on a suspended license.. And at times, after he has already been drinking. Who suffers more when he gets arrested? Or if he gets into an accident?
Monday, January 20, 2014
Saying Sorry..
Here's something that has been driving me crazy for, oh, six years.. "I'm sorry". Here's the thing - if you're really and truly sorry for something you have done, shouldn't you also make it a point to correct the hurtful/unwanted behavior? It drives me absolutely insane that addicts find it completely acceptable to wake up from their drunken stupor, act sympathetic, say "I'm sorry", and then turn around and do exactly what they were sorry for all over again. Things I will never, ever understand about the mind of an addict.
I stayed up last night after Bubba fell asleep to do some reading in my Bible.. It seems to be the only place I consistently go when I just can't understand what is going on around me. If nothing else, it does give me comfort to spend that time with God. Here are some of my favorite verses from last night.
"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge in the flesh, rather serve one another humbly in love" - Galatians 5:13
"Whoever sows to please their flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life" - Galatians 6:8
"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires" - Romans 8:5
"The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the ind governed by the Spirit is life and peace" - Romans 8:6
"The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so" - Romans 8:7
"Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God" - Romans 8:8
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works so that no one can boast" -Ephesians 2:8
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" - Ephesians 4:25
I stayed up last night after Bubba fell asleep to do some reading in my Bible.. It seems to be the only place I consistently go when I just can't understand what is going on around me. If nothing else, it does give me comfort to spend that time with God. Here are some of my favorite verses from last night.
"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge in the flesh, rather serve one another humbly in love" - Galatians 5:13
"Whoever sows to please their flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life" - Galatians 6:8
"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires" - Romans 8:5
"The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the ind governed by the Spirit is life and peace" - Romans 8:6
"The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so" - Romans 8:7
"Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God" - Romans 8:8
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works so that no one can boast" -Ephesians 2:8
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" - Ephesians 4:25
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Goodbye 2013..
Goodbye and good riddance, 2013. The only high point of last year was the birth of my beautiful baby boy, so I suppose it wasn't ALL bad. It was, however, a challenge. More than ever, I felt my faith (and at times my sanity) being tested at every turn. Being married to an alcoholic tends to create challenges where normally there aren't any, such as with splitting up chores to help get the house picked up, or taking a fussy baby so the other person can get a break. To me, those are normal parenting/marital duties that are supposed to be shared between two people. But when an alcoholic enters the equation, it leaves one person struggling to manage alone. That's how I will remember the better part of 2013 - struggling alone. I love my children, but any parent knows that two young children are a challenge. My oldest daughter is 5, and my son was born in March. And they are both full of energy! So to basically be the only parent as well as doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc., was a very lonely thing for me.
I did choose to get more involved in church in 2013, which was a major blessing. I know it sounds silly to drive 90 miles for church, but I have never felt like I truly belong until The Journey. I'm so glad that my parents introduced me to the church, because there were times where it was the one thing I had to look forward to during the week. Pastor Laury has spent more than one Sunday preaching messages that really speak to my heart. I needed it, and am so glad that I found it. So I am truly thankful for that.
Otherwise, I feel like the year was a series of ups and downs, based on the whims of an alcoholic. Jobs came and went, opportunities were wasted, and family time fell by the wayside. What never changed was the alcohol. If it was sunny, he would drink.. If it was rainy he'd drink.. If we had money, he'd drink.. If we were broke, he'd drink.. If he was working, he'd drink.. If he was unemployed, he'd drink.. That's the nature of addiction, ironically. It is the one constant in the life of the addicted.
2013 saw yet another failed attempt at recovery and sobriety. A brief stay at the St. Vincent Stress Center to undergo detoxification resulted in a very short 30 day period of sobriety and AA meetings. Once that wore off, it all went right back to the way it has always been. Drinking, calling in to work, sleeping, and of course the drunken stupor that always follows the drinking. When they say it's a vicious cycle, they aren't kidding. It's almost as predictable as the sunrise.
Hand in hand with the drinking also came the lies.. Lie after lie after lie. Most of the time they came when I already knew the truth, which made it that much more hurtful to hear. Then the manipulated conversations, in which no matter what I say I'm not ever really heard. The yelling, the arguments, the hurt, and the loneliness that followed got worse almost every single time. Until here I am, welcoming 2014, bidding goodbye to 2013, and uncertain what exactly I am hoping for in this new year.
I've secretly hoped that one day I would find that he had cheated on me, and then I would be completely justified in giving up. I know that sounds selfish of me, but the years and years of hurt and lies I'm pinned under are suffocating me. I'm exhausted from carrying a marriage and these children on my back for all these years without a supportive and loving partner beside me.
The hardest part of it all is that all I really ever wanted was to share my life with someone who loved, appreciated, and respected me. I never cared about marrying someone who had lots of money, or a big fancy job title. I just wanted a partner. And instead I feel like I'm a babysitter or a maid.. There isn't much of an emotional bond left at this point - the alcohol has slowly burned through every fiber of love like acid. Burning away at any connection that we have had. Six years, two children.. You'd think that that would be worth fighting for, but he has never fought for us. He's fought me for the alcohol, though.. More times than I can count. So what does that say about where we rank on his priority list?
A lot of people don't really get the extent of the emotional trauma that addicts inflict on people who love them. But I feel like I've aged 15 years in the last six just from the hurt/pain/frustration/stress of dealing with the alcoholism and the alcoholic. I literally wake up every day with anxiety, thinking about what will happen that day. Will he find a way to get beer? Will he stay sober? Will he go to work? Will he actually make it to AA? Sometimes I have myself wound so tight worrying about him that I can't even focus on anything else.
Addicts are tricky. They are sneaky. They manipulate everything they put their hands on. If you hold onto their debit card and cash so they can't buy alcohol, they'll just find another way. They always do, because that's their priority. I used to think that Sundays were safe, because where we live you can't buy alcohol on Sundays.. Until the first time he was willing to drive 40 miles across the border to the neighboring state to buy beer.
So to sum this big, long post up. I am thankful to 2013 for my sweet angel baby, who I affectionately refer to as "Bubba", and a much needed church family. And I am always thankful for my 5 year old little mommy, who is my big helper. Aside from that, I am ready to bid a not-so-fond farewell to 2013, and have a fresh start in 2014. And one of my new goals is to maintain this blog, not necessarily to share with others (although that would be great), but to allow myself a place to decompress, vent, and let some of the thoughts/ideas/opinions/hurt escape. Therapeutic writing, I guess you'd call it. We'll see how I do with that. :)
I did choose to get more involved in church in 2013, which was a major blessing. I know it sounds silly to drive 90 miles for church, but I have never felt like I truly belong until The Journey. I'm so glad that my parents introduced me to the church, because there were times where it was the one thing I had to look forward to during the week. Pastor Laury has spent more than one Sunday preaching messages that really speak to my heart. I needed it, and am so glad that I found it. So I am truly thankful for that.
Otherwise, I feel like the year was a series of ups and downs, based on the whims of an alcoholic. Jobs came and went, opportunities were wasted, and family time fell by the wayside. What never changed was the alcohol. If it was sunny, he would drink.. If it was rainy he'd drink.. If we had money, he'd drink.. If we were broke, he'd drink.. If he was working, he'd drink.. If he was unemployed, he'd drink.. That's the nature of addiction, ironically. It is the one constant in the life of the addicted.
2013 saw yet another failed attempt at recovery and sobriety. A brief stay at the St. Vincent Stress Center to undergo detoxification resulted in a very short 30 day period of sobriety and AA meetings. Once that wore off, it all went right back to the way it has always been. Drinking, calling in to work, sleeping, and of course the drunken stupor that always follows the drinking. When they say it's a vicious cycle, they aren't kidding. It's almost as predictable as the sunrise.
Hand in hand with the drinking also came the lies.. Lie after lie after lie. Most of the time they came when I already knew the truth, which made it that much more hurtful to hear. Then the manipulated conversations, in which no matter what I say I'm not ever really heard. The yelling, the arguments, the hurt, and the loneliness that followed got worse almost every single time. Until here I am, welcoming 2014, bidding goodbye to 2013, and uncertain what exactly I am hoping for in this new year.
I've secretly hoped that one day I would find that he had cheated on me, and then I would be completely justified in giving up. I know that sounds selfish of me, but the years and years of hurt and lies I'm pinned under are suffocating me. I'm exhausted from carrying a marriage and these children on my back for all these years without a supportive and loving partner beside me.
The hardest part of it all is that all I really ever wanted was to share my life with someone who loved, appreciated, and respected me. I never cared about marrying someone who had lots of money, or a big fancy job title. I just wanted a partner. And instead I feel like I'm a babysitter or a maid.. There isn't much of an emotional bond left at this point - the alcohol has slowly burned through every fiber of love like acid. Burning away at any connection that we have had. Six years, two children.. You'd think that that would be worth fighting for, but he has never fought for us. He's fought me for the alcohol, though.. More times than I can count. So what does that say about where we rank on his priority list?
A lot of people don't really get the extent of the emotional trauma that addicts inflict on people who love them. But I feel like I've aged 15 years in the last six just from the hurt/pain/frustration/stress of dealing with the alcoholism and the alcoholic. I literally wake up every day with anxiety, thinking about what will happen that day. Will he find a way to get beer? Will he stay sober? Will he go to work? Will he actually make it to AA? Sometimes I have myself wound so tight worrying about him that I can't even focus on anything else.
Addicts are tricky. They are sneaky. They manipulate everything they put their hands on. If you hold onto their debit card and cash so they can't buy alcohol, they'll just find another way. They always do, because that's their priority. I used to think that Sundays were safe, because where we live you can't buy alcohol on Sundays.. Until the first time he was willing to drive 40 miles across the border to the neighboring state to buy beer.
So to sum this big, long post up. I am thankful to 2013 for my sweet angel baby, who I affectionately refer to as "Bubba", and a much needed church family. And I am always thankful for my 5 year old little mommy, who is my big helper. Aside from that, I am ready to bid a not-so-fond farewell to 2013, and have a fresh start in 2014. And one of my new goals is to maintain this blog, not necessarily to share with others (although that would be great), but to allow myself a place to decompress, vent, and let some of the thoughts/ideas/opinions/hurt escape. Therapeutic writing, I guess you'd call it. We'll see how I do with that. :)
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